We are being bombarded with suggestions on how we should be making love: it’s all about performance, exciting locations, appropriate choice of music, extravagant poses, maybe some wine… But what if I told you the road to the best sex of your life might take the completely opposite direction. Let’s imagine for a moment that you approach your love life the same way you would approach your meditation practice; in silence, in a simple comfortable pose, in a safe place away from any distractions… Even better, why not take the whole thing a bit further and approach it as an actual meditation practice.
What is meditative sex?
Various eastern philosophies from yoga to Zen Buddhism describe a strikingly simple road to content and happy existence; being aware of the present moment. In fact, practitioners of mindfulness meditation recognize two different types of meditation: formal and informal. Formal is what we usually know as meditation; taking a comfortable pose and using a technique to achieve a peaceful and clear state of mind. Informal practice, on the other hand, is training yourself to do different actions with a high level of awareness – as opposed to distracted automatism that often sets the rhythm of present-day living. This, of course, can be perfectly applied to lovemaking; adding new layers to the already blissful joy of sexual exchange. However, even though it sounds simple enough, being present is neither easy nor simple to achieve. Instead of a continuous uninterrupted state of mind, it will take a long time before our best attempts are anything more than a loose collection of moments when we achieve a certain level of conscious presence. Eventually, the gaps in between those moments will start to fill and that’s when the real magic begins.
So what do I do?
For a start it is good to give yourself some space and time for exploration of your (and your partner’s) sexuality. This doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have a horny two-minute quickie in a public toilet if you feel naughty enough, but sex is about self-expression, so you should really consider avoiding the urge to contain it in any single routine, time-frame, or setting. Many followers of neo-tantra put a lot of focus on massage, which is a perfect warm-up routine if that’s your thing but do not force it if it feels too clumsy and awkward to you. A massage that feels strange and unnatural just won’t set the right mood – you’ll have to trust me on this one as I’ve been on the receiving end of massage attempts that felt like a love child of a police body-search and a medical examination. Instead, do what feels good and natural for you; you can cuddle with your partner, rub him/her with some oil, caress their body slowly and attentively and explore it in general. Smell it, taste it, palpate it. Close your eyes and just notice a sensation of your lover’s touch and qualities of their body, the texture of the skin, its warmth, the smell and taste of their lips, skin, nipples, sex organ… Whenever your mind wanders off in the realm of narrative or abstract thinking, resist the stream of thoughts by gently bringing your attention back to the physical sensation of the moment. Observe your partner’s breath and try noticing its various qualities; is it heavy, what’s the rhythm like, what’s the sound of it? You can try mirroring your partner’s breath, or you can try calming your own as much as you can and just observe your own physical response. If it’s a penetrative intercourse, you can also play with the rhythm of thrusts – slowing it down to a standstill, then moving as slowly as possible. Or maybe even move just from the inside – activating the muscles of your pelvic floor and trying to synchronize them with one another (yes, it works in any combination of genders).
Check this out: Breathing Exercises For Better Sex
My partner might find the whole meditative sex thing awkward
If your partner is too down-to-earth, western, or standardized-sex-routine type of a person that finds the whole sex meditation too awkward, you can still benefit from changing your own approach to a more conscious one. Tuning your mind to a more sensual mode and learning how to think less and feel more will help you get more out of any sex, even the most mundane one. Sometimes our anxious overactive brains present us with an array of small frustrations that prevent us to fully commit ourselves to pleasure. Maybe the bed is too hard, or soft, or this pose is somehow wrong, the rhythm is not right… Obscuring the truth that the real obstacle to fulfilling pleasure is not on the outside at all, but inside our own heads. Sometimes, it might be enough to decide to focus on the pleasant sensation in some other part of the body. “This pillow under my ass feels strange, but hey, I really like the tongue thing!”
Ritual instead of routine
In a steady relationship, sex life tends to turn into a routine. Routines are boring and a real killer of sexy. But there’s a way to capitalize on them. Routine, if meaningful, can be a good thing – it can feel intimate, familiar, and can provide a safe space for sexual exploration. Think about it, if you’re into strange kinks, how likely are you to perform them on a first date? The way to preserve those valuable aspects of our sex routines is to turn them into meaningful little rituals. So let’s say you’re into spanking; maybe you can have a special coded way to announce to your partner that you demand to be spanked tonight. Maybe they get to choose the toy. Or maybe you have a special pair of undies you’ll only wear on spank-day, so the whole day in the office gets a little brighter and more exciting, with your underwear reminding you of an impending spanking. You get the picture? Instead of having a routinized bureaucratic fuck, ritualizing your routines can help you charge the whole thing with meaning. There’s a reason why all religions rely heavily on rituals. And sex is by all means a sacred act.
Check this out: 5 secret ways to transform your sex life through yoga