Myth Busting About Womanhood, Femininity and Sex
Let’s get going by naming some of the myths I hear around womanhood and sex: that you should have pain when you have sex, that you should be able to orgasm through penetration alone, that squirting is pee, that all women have vulvas, that if you’re not wet you’re not enjoying sex or if you are wet you are enjoying sex, that you should be able to orgasm in just aa few minutes that you if you can’t there’s something wrong with your body or that sex is only good if you’re having an orgasm.
Should sex hurt the first time?
I want to state that not all sex is penetrative but I think for the purpose of this question, I’m going to assume the asker means the first time you have penetrative sex with a penis. There are many ways to help prepare your body for penetrative sex with a penis, such that it doesn’t hurt and in fact, it shouldn’t have to hurt the first time you have sex. You can start by preparing your body with objects and body parts that are smaller than a penis. So fingering — either your own fingers or your partner’s fingers — or even a dildo that’s a smaller size. And use lube. Use lots and lots of lube. That’s going to be your best friend during penetrative sex. And finally, go slow. And be sure that you’re having penetrative sex for the first time who is willing to listen to you, who is willing to stop and take a pause if you need it because the first time you have sex should not have to be painful.
Pain during sex is a signal that something is not right. It may be as simple as you needing more lube or needing to shift sex positions. But it may mean that there is something wrong internally or biologically. There are medical conditions that can cause sexual pain. Anxiety and trauma can also contribute to sexual pain. So if you’re experiencing sexual pain, don’t let anyone invalidate you by telling you it’s normal. You do deserve help. You do deserve to talk to a trusted doctor, gynecologist, or urologist to determine if that pain is psychological, behavioral, or medical.
If I identify as asexual now will I be asexual forever?
Asexuality, like any other kind of sexuality, can change and shift over the lifespan. But it’s important that we don’t use that information to invalidate folks who are experiencing asexuality by telling them it’s a phase or telling them they can change it. It can change over time but we can’t just will our sexuality change.
Can you stretch out your vagina by having a lot of sex?
The vagina like any other muscle can expand or contract so it can expand to accommodate penetration or giving birth but it can also contract. So it’s actually a myth that the size of your vagina is directly associated with the amount of sex you’ve had.
I go down on my man a lot and he never reciprocates. Does this mean he doesn’t like me?!
If you’re doing down on your man during sex and he’s not going down on you it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you, it probably means he doesn’t like giving you oral sex. And I do think if it’s making you question how you feel about yourself or your body. You should have the space to say hey, I go down on you, you don’t go down on me, what is that about? Because it feels like you don’t care about me and I’m not OK with that. And if you’re not OK with that imbalance and he’s still not OK going down on you you don’t have to continue going down on him. It’s not a tit-for-tat relationship. Or if he’s still not willing to go down on you and that’s something that is important to you in a sexual partner then it is potentially worth reevaluating the relationship.
Is it bad that I like to be dominated sexually?
Being dominant or submissive in bed really has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive in other parts of our lives. Some of the clients I work with who are the most submissive in bed are the most dominant, powerful people in their workplace for example, or other parts of their relationships. So by no means does being dominated mean anything about being weak or not being enough.
And you’re being dominated in a consensual way then the person being submissive should have quite a lot of power in the dynamic. The power to say no, the power to slow things down, the power to use a safe word. So by no means in a dom-sub relationship should any member of the relationship be powerless. Remember you are acting out power dynamics rather than exemplifying real power dynamics in the relationship.
It’s true that there’s nothing inherently submissive about being a woman or being femininity but that myth is pervasive in the bedroom. It’s true that we express our femininity by types of submission but there is nothing inherently masculine about topping, nothing inherently masculine about being dominant.
So, I would encourage you to think about all those women you know that exemplify power, that exemplify dominance. Think about the boss btiches in your life. I want you to channel those people during sex if you think you can only be feminine if you’re being submissive.
For all those men out there who want to explore their femininity during sex, I want you to think about all the messages you’ve received about what makes masculine sex. Is it the type of sounds you make during sex? Is it being a top? Is it being a person doing the penetration? Then I want you to explore what it would be like to flip that on its head. Have you been taught that you can’t make pitched sounds during sex, try making high-pitched sounds during sex. Did you learn you can only be a man while topping then try bottoming. If you’ve been taught that you can only be a man while doing penetration trying being pegged. Think about these different myths that you’ve learned, flip them around and explore.
I’m a queer femme, is there something wrong with me that I enjoy pegging?
The way we associate certain sexual acts with masculinity, femininity, queerness, and straightness. When in reality, sex acts are non-binary. People of all genders can enjoy all types of sexual acts. So no, there is nothing wrong with you that you enjoy pegging as a queer femme.
Is squirting pee?
Oh, y’all we could do a whole FAQ on squirting! Here are some common squirting myths busted:
- Squirting is not pee. It’s actually a mixture of fluids that come from a gland called the skene’s gland.
- Not all people with a vagina squirt
- Squirting is not the same thing as having an orgasm. You might squire when you’re having an orgasm, you might squire when you’re not having an orgasm.
- There is a lot of research that needs to be done on this topic. Current research says between 10-50% of people with vulvas can ejaculate. That’s not a very clear number. So, you’re normal if you can squirt, you’re normal if you can’t squirt.
I am a queer-identified therapist and consultant who combines evidence-based research and systemic business coaching to cultivate powerful relationships – with your clients, your relationships, and yourself. Specializing in gender and sexual diversity, I partner with individuals, relationships, and institutions to expand limited mindsets, foster courageous behavior, and empower meaningful change around gender and sexuality.